Life seems to hold various phases for each of us... We have our childhood, the Tumultuous Teens, becoming an adult, Falling in Love, etc. But even beyond those obvious stages of life, we go through many emotional and physical ups and downs.
Today I thought a lot about how far I've come in just a years time. Currently I am down nearly 40 pounds from where I was one year ago! For the first time EVER in my life I make time for light exercise, yoga and/or stretches each day...and amazingly my chronic RSD pain is BETTER for it. I look forward to waking up each day for the 1rst time in decades! Granted, I'm not claiming my life is all sunshine and roses! I still live with chronic illness and all that comes with it... nothing will ever change that! But I am learning each day to accept my responsibility to do whatever I can to HELP my body be its best.
THE UGLY TRUTH
In 2008 I had my last spinal cord surgery. Just like the previous one in 1999, the surgery resulted in a life threatening infection in the wound that landed me in a skilled nursing facility for 6 months. My neurological deficits only increased, making me unable to control bladder/bowel function, pain levels increased, and my ability to walk was nearly gone.
From 2008 to Dec. 2016 I literally spent 98% of my life in bed. I no longer did the things I loved most; cooking, baking, gardening, craft projects, writing... I couldn't focus on ANYTHING! My weight ballooned to bigger than ever before! I was craving sweets and salty snacks! I would eat one snack cake after another, trying to bury my pain and disappointment for how the surgery went.
My husband eventually stopped sleeping in the same bed with me. Partly because my insomnia kept me up reading or watching tv all night long, and partly because I was accumulating so much clutter around me! Lots of books, journals, Art projects, boxes of snacks, stacks of folded clothes, Get Well gifts and cards... Looking back I think it was another way for me to bury the pain.
For either physical or emotional reasons, I no longer was able to take care of myself. I could not dress myself, my husband had to wipe my butt and clean my sheets, I had to have my hair cut drastically short because I wasn't able to brush it regularly and it became one big mat! TWICE! I went for sometimes WEEKS between real showers, only doing little "bed baths" in between! My home and my laundry told my secret to anyone who came around... I WAS NOT "FINE"!
The death of my Dad really set this downward climb into a high-speed descent to the bottomless pit of despair! I remember a particular day when I became aware of a very odd, foreign feeling, that at first I couldn't quite define. As a Christian, my faith has always sustained me. With 45 surgeries, countless hospitalizations, serious financial struggles, raising children,... still, I always knew that God will make each trial a blessing. I always had HOPE. Until I didn't.
THAT was the foreign feeling I was experiencing. The complete and total loss of hope it was horrible! No one loved their husband and family more than I! But this was such a deep, personal feeling of loss, pain, and HOPELESSNESS, it seemed that nothing could penetrate it.
I DONT EVER WANT TO FEEL THAT WAY AGAIN!! I am so grateful that God opened my eyes to the DOORWAY out of that pit. I'm still on the journey... I'm not perfect. But I love sharing my story in the hope that someone may be inspired. Next time, I will share about my FIRST STEPS OUT OF THE PIT.
🌹Love
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